Cinema not-so-Paradiso

I love films, movies, talkies, flicks, whatever you want to call them. I love curling up on the sofa (sometimes with a glass of wine or other beverage) and losing myself in a good storyline. I love the drama, the escapism, the humour, the porthole into another world - there's sometimes nothing better than a great film for making you feel better.

Unfortunately, when the film one wants to see is still a 'new release', one has to suffer one's fellow human beings at the cinema.

I don't know if the type of cinema audiences I encounter are particularly unique to the area in which I live, or whether they are the same the world over, but they sure know how to ruin a great film. There are several types of fellow cinema-goer that one has to endure:

The talker: usually comes in pairs, the talker insists on giving everyone a running commentary throughout the film, which means not only can you not hear the dialogue but you have to put up with their inane comments and questions ('What are they?' - 'I think they're possums' - 'What are possums?' - 'I dunno but they look like rats' etc) and quite often they just downright spoil the film for you by telling you what happens at the end ('I think he dies' etc)

The chomper: eats popcorn, nachos and hot dogs, audibly, right behind you.

The rattler: often combined with the chomper, eats crisps, sweets and chocolates out of a crinkly packet. Or worse, out of a crinkly packet that first has to come out of a plastic carrier bag - and of course it's right at the bottom so they have to rustle past all the other crinkly packets to get to the one they want.

The kicker: often a kid, but not always, the kicker cannot sit still and insists on constantly kicking your chair. If you have long hair, the kicker will often roll out their party trick, which is to kick your chair so high that they trap your hair between their foot and the chair, and thus pull it. Constantly.

The screaming kid: often found in 'family' films but not exclusively, the screaming kid's modus operandi is to shout 'mummy', 'daddy' etc, cry, have a tantrum and run up and down the aisles.

The texter: will alays sit in front of you so all you can see is the blue/green screen of their phone as they constantly text their friends.

The donkey/hyena: will spoil every comedy by laughing loudly and at length at the slightest funny scene. They laugh so long that everyone arounds them misses the dialogue for the next 5 minutes. They stop just in time to catch the next joke, so they can begin again.

The kids on the block: the teenagers who don't really want to be in the cineme, they'd rather be drinking cheap cider out of 2 litre bottles outside the corner shop but their mum's waiting outside to make sure they watch the film and don't sneak off. They often display the characteristics of the texter, kicker, chomper etc but also have their own annoying habits - swearing loudly at any given opportunity, throwing popcorn, hitting each other over the head, going to the toilet in 2s and 3s, wearing cheap Burberry copy tracksuits that rustle, and jangling their 15 Argos 9 carat gold chains.

And then of course there's the person you went with, who hogs the popcorn and the arm rest.

Cinemas? You can stick them. I'm waiting for the DVDs in future.